Dear Vincent

I have a vacancy.

It's in my bed. Hope that's OK.

See you there.

You can stare at me lovingly. Well, longingly at least.


You can peer at me tenderly.


You can bend over me attentively.


You can raise your eyebrows in amazement.


You can take down my dress. Sorry, my ADdress.


I will keep you smiling.


I will tenderly caress your neck which you offer to me so generously.


Don't worry about any itch, I will scratch it for you.

Love from Val.

Vacant

I think this describes the look on the idiot friend's face throughout the episode, but especially when she's making eyes at Bobby.

This slideshow came to me as I was capping this episode this evening.



So did the idea of comparing the thick, ugly fingers of one of the world's favourite sex objects

to the long, slender ones of the world's sexiest hunk.

I like George Clooney. But really, he's not in the same league as our Vincent.

Bobby's Dead

No, not Bobby -

- Bobby.

London Zoo's Western Lowland Gorilla was found dead on Friday morning by his keepers. He was just 25, and since meeting his two new girlfriends he had been VERY sexually active. Without result, unfortunately. Perhaps that was what caused the poor boy's demise.

Two visits ago - when he was crapping into his own hand between his legs, pasting it on the window and then licking it off - I did say the shit was not a healthy-looking colour.

Last visit, he was unwell and under the vet's care, taking antibiotics.

Now he's gone.

No doubt the zoo will introduce the females on Gorilla Island to a new male at some future date. I just hope he treats them as well as this gentle giant.

All The Latest Rage

In the whole food market in Kensington on Saturday, I found something I couldn't resist.

Yes, you read it right. It's toilet paper made out of cotton. It's organic and fully biodegradable. It's very smooth and soft.

I only paid £1.99 for it. I just found it online "reduced" to £3.16. Unless someone a bit nearer starts to stock it, I thinks it's the only time I'm ever going to be buying it.

Rightful Life

Who would disagree with that assessment of either Vincent or Bobby?

He is so generous with offering us his nibblable neck.


His smile is so sweet.


"You see, Doc, mine reaches all the way over there."


Bobby gives a sly sideways look at the Vixens queuing up to snog him.


"GIrls, it's only that long."


"OK, Eames, maybe this long."


"It could even be this long."


"This cute smile will slay them."


"This raised eyebrow will make Diane scream and Eliza faint."

Not Enough Flesh

However proud we are of Bobby, we don't get enough of his flesh...

Touch-typing with an invisible keyboard.


Bobby gets ready to lick the honey off the spoon.

"Come and kiss me just here."With pleasure, sweetheart. Just step off the screen and into my bedroom.


Bobby leans back in his chair and displays his glorious tum for us.


"Eames, you have a smudge just here."

Creepy Crawly

Bobby wonders what on earth is growing out of Eames' head.


He worries about it all day.


While pondering he inadvertantly flashes a length of wrist.


So if a man's penis is three times as long as his thumb...


"Then mine just set a new world record."


This is neat. If you look into his eyes - er, eye - you can really see his hands manipulating (love that word) the typewriter ribbon he's transcribing.


Then his big mitt holds the teeny tiny pen to write down what he's discerned.


"All this sexy talk from the Vixens makes me all hot under the collar."


Bobby's back for Basric. And me.


Bobby's neck and lashes for all of us.


"I don't get it - she's met me, and she STILL prefers the decrepit Bernard."We don't get it either, Bobby.


Checking out the Python raises a smile.We would like to smile too, Bobby. Can we have a peep?


While checking out that Bernard is dead, Bobby accidentally throttles him.

M.I.A.

I forgot to warn everyone that yesterday I was not going to be able to get on the computer. I went to the Kensington Christmas Dolls House Fair, and my friend came home to supper. By the time she left it was too late, and I was too tired.

In theory Kensington is quite posh, and the High Street used to have two fantastic department stores. The buildings, which are rather nice Art Deco confections, are still there.

This is the Barkers building. It now houses a lot of smaller shops, and a huge Whole Food Market. I spent over £5 on a tiny piece of Red Rogue River cheese, all the way from Oregon (lord, the air miles!) and it isn't even particularly nice.

Next door is the Derry and Toms building. In the 60s it housed Biba, the famous fashion store. Now it has an assortment of occupants, including Marks and Spencer.

It is also the home of one of the most extraordinary places in London - The Roof Gardens.

Now they are owned by Richard Branson, and you can eat in the restaurants up there or book a function.

But it is a Grade II listed building, and it is open to the ordinary public when it's not being used for a wedding or other private "do". I've never yet managed to time it right.

Roof Gardens photos by Jamie Barras.