Conscience

What I couldn't understand in this episode was why the guy wanted rid of his wife at all. I mean, it sounded like they were happy apart from him wanting her money.

Sorry, Detective, it's a bit late to try mouth-to-mouth.


Det. Goren tests the water, forgetting he still has to change into his trunks.





Goren blows Eames a kiss.


Then he gives the tech a hug.


"Valentino lives. I'm bi!"





Er, detective, if you want him to pee in a cup, it should be an empty one.


Anyone find any fault with this picture?


Just sign here and this lovely office is all yours.


Rodgers continues to resist Goren's charms.She ends up with Ross? Madwoman!





Goren sulks as Eames takes the lead in the case.


"Bobby, you mustn't take it personally, I am the senior detective.""I'm sorry, Eames, but you know I do all the explaining and case-solving."


"I think mine was this much bigger than his."


Hang on, I have a tape measure in my drawer.








Goren whispers sweet nothings in the suspect's ear.

What I've been watching on TV. Not.

So somebody had the idea to try and get some popstars to sing opera.

This performance is particularly improbable, as it contains high notes too high even for most operatic sopranos to reach.

What's more, despite the hype and the belief of the studio audience that they were listening to something sung live, you can see that the singer's throat is not actually producing the sounds. Your throat moves when it's doing that, especially when you sing vibrato (which is precisely what the word looks like). She's miming.

When Glenn Close played an opera singer in Meeting Venus, obviously she had to mime, but she was singing full volume along to the mime, so she looked as if she was making the actual sounds.

I really resent people trying to con me like this, and succeeding in conning others. It also demeans the talents and achievements of real opera singers. Of which I have, in an amateur capacity, been one.

Sorry I was unable to edit the film, neither of my programmes seems to recognise things downloaded with the new RealPlayer, and I didn't have time to convert it. I recommend fast forwarding to the start of the actual performance.

For Your Information UK

In case you haven't got it (joke) Mystic Pizza is on TCM at 9 o'clock tonight.

The Oscar-nominated shorts are at the Screen On The Green in Islington next Saturday at 3pm and Sunday at 3.15pm.

And the Lewisham Swan is alive and well and ensuring that all the nearby birds are overfed. A new addition to the waterway arrived the other day - a white duck, that seems to have settled well with the otherwise aggressive mallards. She's a proper little Jemima Puddleduck. The coot that appeared briefly last week is nowhere to be seen.

Who Do You Think You Are?

Despite the ever-climbing entrance fee to what used to be he Family History Fair before the TV show hijacked it and moved it to a larger, more expensive venue, I trundle along every year to see if I can tease out something new to help me fill in the blanks in my family tree. For example, I simply cannot kill off Great Uncle Ern. He must have died in 1964, when he drops out of the voters' regiser, aged over 80, but I have failed so far to find any record of his death.

My main purchase today was the latest version of my family tree programme. It cost nearly £30 and appears to be a dud disc.

On the way home, at the railway station, I was run over by a trolley transporting copies of the giveaway evening newspaper. The man pushing it blamed me! Apparently he had stopped, so could not be responsible. I am so CLEVER! I managed to get a stationary trolley to run over my foot! A defiance of the laws of physics. When pushed he apologised like an unwilling and insincere 6-year-old, would not identify himself, and shied away from my camera. Station staff were worse than indifferent. Perhaps if I'd been 25 and gorgeous...

These are the best two shots I got of the arsehole who ran over my foot:








Anyway, I've spent the evening shooting off emails to the newspaper's editor and to Network Rail, so I haven't had a chance to add another S3 episode to my list. I thought these were worth another view, though:




















Don't you just love how he dominates the scene?

Bizarre Humour

Before the half term holiday, a colleague was absent because his mother was in the last stages of cancer. That night she died.

The funeral is tomorrow. Today he was looking a bit sad and lost. He is usually a big joker. I felt like giving him a hug, but then another male colleague (there aren't many) came into the classroom, and Andy was suddenly telling stories about his even jokier brother.

Apparently this brother got hold of their mother's phone and sent a text message to their sister. Of course, it arrived at her phone as being from "Mum". The message? "It's really nice here. Hope to see you soon. But not too soon."

What a family! I can't imagine doing such a practical joke at such a sensitive time.

Anyone out there who can match it?

The Saint

Anybody here convinced when Stephen Colbert says, "That's right, because I'm brilliant"?





Bobby and Alex are surprised to find that the priest has accidentlly married them.


Bobby discreetly displays his stuff to his new bride.


Bobby shows Deakins the wedding photos.


Then he relives the wedding night.











Bobby examines the bald spot on the back of the valuer's head.





Bobby and Alex plot to sneak away without Deakins noticing.


"Ha! Got you all! We didn't really get married."


Bobby wonders if that lovely red hair is natural.


"Pale and perfect". Yes, Bobby, you are.








Am I the only person who thinks these signatures all look pretty much alike?

Shrink-Wrapped

Do real people behave like this? I wonder.




The detectives study the runners for the next race.


Does Goren enjoy having breasts thrust in his face? You betcha!





Do I wish I was the hand or the mouth?





Why do so many women get to have him sit on their beds?


Manpower. Man. Power.


Man mountain to climb. Now please.


Det. Goren arrests Camilla for appalling taste in clothes.





That scarf must be really long to wrap so many times round that manly throat.








That hand is the only thing in the world worthy of being put in front of that face.

















Bobby at his best: