The Technical Solution

When I got home last night and switched on my TV, I tried to play back a programme from my Sky+ box. The picture was fine, but the sound was in about 100x slow motion, making it just a deep roar between long silences. Live TV was the same. So were the depressingly cheerful Christmas tunes on the TV guide section. I panicked and phoned the technical support helpline.

The young man (not in India, surely? That NEVER happens...) didn't know what was wrong, and was going to transfer me to comeone else, but then admitted that most of the computers were down. "Phone back in 3 hours"!!!!!! AFTER Bobby's been on? I was disgusted. I was horrified. I WAS BESIDE MYSELF!

I resorted to the advanced technical solution that used to work for the cable TV box. I unplugged it for 30 seconds. I plugged it back in, then after a further minute I switched the box on. It was fine.

Can I have a highly paid job advising the disgruntled Sky customers who get short shrift from the official helpline, please?

On The Pilgrim's Trail...

...we have a man with expressions of infinite variety...

...and some talk about something being "the perfect size".

You may have meant that the Smithsonian Magazine was the perfect size for your treadmill, Bobby, but with those hands doing what they were doing, we were thinking of something else!

Sex After Vasectomy

A colleague just had a vasectomy. He's been very open about it, and when he came back to work there was some gentle joshing. He got us all with his response, though: "I've given it a try-out and it works all right, but it hasn't had a taste test yet!"

Now there's a thought - does anyone out there know if there's a difference in taste before and after?

Ed Wood

I'd had this film on DVD for ages but hadn't watched it, so I didn't know whereabouts in the film Vincent's scene was. I was on tenterhooks all the way through waiting for him to appear. I knew about the dubbing, and it was the only fault I could find with the film. It was funny and touching. Martin Landau's performance as Bela Lugosi was superb.

All it needs is for Tim Burton to go back and re-edit the film to include Vincent dubbing himself in his best Wellesian voice, as he has now had the chance to develop that part of his performance.

We''l all buy the film again, Tim!

Wood You?

Tonight I'm off to see Ed Wood. I know Vincent's only in it for a few minutes, and I have it on DVD - but would you miss the chance? Vincent on the big screen in the UK, an event almost as rare as hens' teeth.

Vincent D'Onofrio MUST see this!

Eliza has risen to the challenge of setting my poem to pictures and has sent me the wonderful result to share with his loving fans. All we need now is for him to see it himself - hence the title, in an attempt to make it to the Google Alerts.

The Pilgrim

I don't believe I never capped this one before! It's one of my all-time absolute favourites, with lots of eyelashes and shirtsleeves, and some butt shots I hadn't noticed before (grins widely). For the first time I topped 600 caps for an episode (by quite a lot!)

Stupidly, I forgot to watermark them before uploading them - my excuse is Bobby was due on TV any minute.